How to Bridge the Communication Gap Between Men and Women
Hello there and welcome to Mind Tools. My name is Giulia Bagnasco, I have a background in Organisational Psychology and a passion for applying it to our daily lives.
Mind Tools brings psychological concepts into life through practical examples and challenges for you to try.
Phrases such as “men are from Mars and women are from Venus” are very popular and rather catchy. Yet, you may ask, is there any truth in them?
Research into gender differences is packed with controversies and inconsistencies, but there is one area where most researchers seem to agree that men and women are indeed different: communication. So, what are these differences and what can we do about them?
In this article, I will aim to answer these questions and, as always, I will provide examples, some tips and a challenge.
Gendered communication: what are the differences?
How can we overcome these differences? The challenge
1. Communication: what are the differences?
I’m going to take a wild guess here, but my sense is that most of you were not surprised to see the words “communication” and “gender difference” appear in the same sentence.
That is because many of you are likely to have experienced situations where communication with a partner or colleague of the opposite gender has not gone down too well. This is especially the case when the conversation is about dealing with a problem. Let’s look at a few different scenarios.
Same-gender interactions
Jamie has been having a lot of trouble with his boss lately. He constantly delegates work at the 11th hour, is unresponsive, does not provide feedback and never gives Jamie any credit for his work. Jamie has been thinking about what to do for a while, but cannot find an appropriate way of speaking up to his boss without jeopardising his career.
He’s stressed out and unhappy. Eventually, he decides to give a call to his friend Alex who’s had his fair share of horrible bosses. Alex listens to Jamie’s situation and comes up with a brilliant and non-threatening way of approaching this conversation with his boss. Fantastic. Problem solved!
Let’s now think about how two women would approach this very situation.
For the sake of simplicity, let’s keep the same names here: Jamie is dealing with the horrible boss and Alex is the expert on the matter (see what I did there?). Jamie proceeds to tell Alex about all the times that her boss has been unbearable and tells her how she feels uncomfortable, angry and stressed out.
What is the first thing that Alex says back? “I’m sorry, that sounds awful” and “I understand, it’s happened to me as well and I totally understand you, what a nightmare!”. Alex is likely to let Jamie “vent” for a while before moving on to advice-giving mode.
While, of course, not all conversations go down exactly like this, I’m sure you can relate to the differences between how men speak to men and how women speak to women. On the whole, when men talk about a problem, they look for a solution, while women look for empathy and support before getting into solution-mode.
Opposite gender interactions
But how about when the conversation is between a man and a woman?
In this case, let’s imagine a conversation between a female Jamie, who’s having issues with her boss, gives a call to a male Alex — the horrible bosses expert.
Jamie: “Matt has been a total nightmare again, this time he took my deck and presented in front of the leadership team as his own and he didn’t bother to invite me or mention me! I had to find out from Susan who was in the meeting! I’m so fed up with this!”
Alex: “Well, you could tell him you heard the presentation went well from Susan and ask him why he didn’t invite you?”
Jamie: “Well, I would have to get him to pick up the phone first, he’s been ignoring me for weeks!”
Alex: “Why don’t you go into his calendar and schedule a meeting to discuss what’s going on?”
Jamie: “You know what, don’t worry — I will figure something out. I’m just very frustrated at the moment.”
Once again, while this extract is an exaggeration of the dynamic, I wouldn’t be surprised if it somewhat resonates with you, whether you feel more empathy towards Alex or Jamie. In this conversation, Jamie and Alex are talking past one another.
Jamie is frustrated at the fact that Alex is not showing her any empathy or understanding and, in turn, Alex is confused as to why his helpful suggestions seem to have upset Jamie. Obviously Alex isn’t doing anything wrong here, it is just that Jamie needs a little warm up before she can get into brainstorming a battle plan.
Communication differences
The reason why these slightly exaggerated scenarios feel relatable is because communication differences between men and women exist and are well documented. While there continues to be controversy about whether these differences are innate or socially constructed, academic researchers agree on the fact that men and women use communication differently1.
Men tend to use communication as a tool to achieve tangible outcomes, whereas women see conversation as a way to create relationships and enhance social connections. When attempting to resolve a problem, men are inclined to offer a solution, while women seek empathy and understanding2.
At this point you may think “okay, great, we know we communicate differently. But what can we do about it?”
2. How can we overcome these differences? The Challenge
Men and women might well have different ways of supporting each other and showing care, but this doesn’t mean that these differences are insurmountable. I’d like to offer some simple tips for both men and for women that might come in handy in moments of miscommunication. My challenge to you is to try these out next time an issue comes up, whether it is with a partner or a colleague.
For men
I understand that going straight to solution-mode seems like the most logical and helpful thing you could do when a woman is talking about a problem. Even if your intention is purely to help, here are a couple of things for you to try instead:
Listen actively to her: this doesn’t mean you should just sit there and let her talk at you. Instead, paraphrase what she’s been telling you, ask questions to show you are interested and want to have a full picture of what’s happened and relate to how she’s feeling (if you want to go a bit more in depth on active listening, have a look at this article).
Hold off on solution-mode: unless you are the direct cause of her problem (hopefully that isn’t the case!), it is not your responsibility or your place to fix it for her. If she wants your advice or a solution, she will ask for it. Until then, assume she wants to be heard and understood. Once she asks for it, the floor is yours to give advice and propose ideas.
For women
I appreciate how you might feel belittled and patronised when your male partner or colleague offers you a solution without letting you explain the situation and how it has affected you. The temptation to get frustrated and defensive is strong. Here is a challenge for you next time you are feeling upset about such miscommunication:
Stop and think about his intention: even if this is not being helpful to you right now, remind yourself that his intention is to help you, not to patronise you.
Explain to him what you need: chances are that, when he’s facing a problem, he might not need a warm-up before jumping into solution-mode. Instead of getting frustrated, it could be helpful to tell him that what you need at this moment is simply some space to have a “little rant” and be heard.
Understand his boundaries: while you may find it helpful to have long conversations about a certain situation or problem that makes you feel, be mindful that this might not be the case for him. He might be tired or busy and it is important to respect that and find an appropriate time to have this conversation.
Whether you are a man or a woman, you are equally empowered to overcome gender differences in the way we use communication. I hope these tips can be helpful the next time there is a miscommunication!
If you liked this article, why not share it with your friends and colleagues so that they can also try this challenge?
References
Mulac. A., Bradac. J. J., & Gibbons. P. (2018). Empirical support for the gender-as culture hypothesis: An intercultural analysis of male/female language differences. Human Communication Research. 27. 121–152
Gray, J. (2019). Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: a Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in a Relationship. HarperCollins, New York